#i think that's it i think that's the reason i'm still struggling

[backinmyphase]

Part 1

Thinking about how obsessed King of Curses Sukuna is with you, you, who was originally just a gift from a village.

Lord Sukuna, who is oblivious to the reason why he treats you differently, who thinks you are just the most intriguing person he had seen in years. He didn't know it was over for him the moment he saw your standing there, anger obvious behind your loosely mask. You looked at him with these challenging eyes and raised your head, making that snappy comment. Normally he would have killed you right then and there.

But he didn't. In fact he doesn't even know why he had burned down that village for you.

And now you were sitting in his estate, always with that scowl on your face.

Why did he allow you to eat with him? Why did he order you to eat with him? He doesn't know. But he didn't want you to eat without him, which he just can't explain to himself.

He couldn't explain why he made sure Uraume was watching over you. Didn't know why he gave you your own chamber, so many new clothes and why he gave you permission to go inside his library. Something inside him was just telling him that was right.

And that something inside of him was so angry to see you falling into yourself. To see you neglecting your health over weeks.

It was evening.

Like always, there was a big dinner prepared for the king and he had ordered you to eat with him. But you didn't touch your food, no you just sat there, looking at your plate to avoid his gaze. Oh, he didn't like that.

He stopped eating, narrowing his eyes on your cowering figure. "Why are you not eating."

"Not hungry." your voice was hoarse but still snappy like always.

"You need to eat."

He glanced at Uraume, who shook their head. A silent note you didn't have any sickness.

You picked at the food, but still no sign of actual eating. And god, did it drive him crazy. You were driving him crazy. Your never leaving scowl and your constant denying of everything he had laid out. He just didn't get you.

He didn't know why he even bothered. But he still spoke up.

"What is on your mind?"

You looked up at him. There was no scowl, like he thought, no there was just a shimmer of exhaustion and maybe frustration.

"What am I even doing here, my Lord?" your voice didn't have any sharp in it. "I'm no servant for you, no concubine, not even a jester or anything like that. Why am I here?"

Silence flooded the room. Because you had just asked the question Sukuna asked himself every day. Why did he even bring you here?

He was clueless. Or that was what his brain was telling him.

He inspected you, your almost pleading eyes and he didn't like how you looked at him. He didn't like the almost hopeless look in your eyes.

"Did you want to stay with these people, is it that?" he took a sip of wine.

"No, we both know it's not that." you muttered, taking a deep breath. "Why do I not work for you? Why are you so -"

He raised an eyebrow at you as you struggled to find the right word. Then you finally shook your head.

"Why are you so nice to me?"

He couldn't help but chuckle, a grin following. "You mean, why has the King of Curses not killed me yet?"

You scoffed. "Yes."

"Well you see," he stopped for a moment, before speaking again. "I find you fascinating. And I like to know what I find fascinating."

You rolled your eyes, another thing he only liked when you did it. "So I'm here to be watched like an animal because the King finds me exotic, how kind."

He started to grow impatient, he didn't know why. "You think I would let a meekly animal into my library and give them their own chambers? You think lowly of me."

You started to blink at him, confusion visible on your face. It was his turn to scoff now.

"You're fascinating because I don't get you. And I want to know you. That's why I brought you here." At least that's what he thought.

You turned completely silent, your eyes now looking down onto your plate again.

"That's why you don't 'work' for me, I don't want you to. I don't need you to." he took another sip. "You just shouldn't get your hands dirty."

He looked at you, waiting for a response. Watching how you avoided his gaze, how you gulped. For a second your eyes flicked up to look at him, but went down immediately as your eyes meet his.

"Stop." you were muttering again.

"What?"

"Staring at me like that."

"Why?" He grinned, lowering his voice. "You know I like to stare."

He saw a faint tint of blush on the part of your face he could see. You were silent for a while until you cleared your throat. "I can't eat with you staring at me like that."

. . .

"Alright, I can leave you alone to eat." he stood up. "But you have to now. Eat."

A small chuckle escaped you. "Is that an order?"

"No, it's a request." With that he turned around, leaving to go to his chambers.

You waited til he left the room to breathe. Your body finally relaxing. You looked at Uraume.

"He sounds like he is in... Does he know how he sounds?"

Uraume shook their head. "No, he has no clue. But he wants you to eat, so please do."

@thequeenofcurses

[writingwisterias]

How the different eras of Leon react when you tease them? (Wolf whistle, hand on their hip, slapping their ass, etc) gotta make that gorgeous man blush!!! >:)))

Hi Anon!

I bet he has the prettiest blush ever as well omg..

Warnings: Fluff, Teasing, I love Leon blushing sm he would look so pretty

GN!Reader

RE2:

I think it would be really funny if you slapped his ass whilst at home

Like hes still getting used to the whole domestic situation after Raccoon City

So let's say he's bent over to do something, vaugly forgets you are even there and then you slap it

He sort of like jolts slightly, definitely blushes like a dark pink blush

He whips his head around so fast in just pure shock only to be met with your wild grin.

Would also eventually get afraid to walk up the stares in front of you.

It's not your fault it's in your face and just so perfect and squishy.

You could never do it in front of people he knows, maybe a little squeeze if you are stood next to him.

Or even a small pinch if you walked by him

But he would get embarrassed by it and give you such a sad puppy look that it makes you feel bad.

RE4R:

So his arms right...HUGE

You just can't resist touching them.

Like you will come up to him and either poke it or like full on squeeze.

Get goosebumps if you use your finger to follow the outline of his muscles or veins.

The same with his hands, I know he's got the veiny hands underneath his gloves.

Will get flustered if you hold his hand and make sure all the blood runs to it so they really pop.

Also blushes if you leave little bite marks on his arms.

Infinite darkness:

He's not afraid to wolf whistle you so why can't you return it.

He does it all the time to you it's only fair

The only thing is, yours is louder

I think he acts like he wants to be the center of attention. Everyone knows who is so he's normally the center of attention anyway.

But if you whistle him and suddenly everyone stops what they are doing he'll glare at you

Impressed by the volume of the wolf whistle but will glare at you.

You will also do it if you leave him in an aisle at the store to go and get something but then you walk around to the other side and scare him with it

Like I'm saying full on jump you almost feel bad

Eventually gets the idea and will stop doing it to you as much

Damnation:

Piggy backs

I'm talking like you both head out to the bar to get drunk...of course he needs a drink buddy

You get so drunk that you can barely walk so you put your faith in him to either get back to your place or his place

Eventually he gives up and just crouched in front of you

Even though he's the one that initiated the action he's still like freaking out in his head

Because you trust him enough to get back safely

But he's also blushing because he loves the way that you are fitting on him and how you feel against him

RE6:

Sitting on his lap

Like doesn't matter if there's a chair free or whatever

Just perching on him optionally is enough to make this man blush

Because like what's the reason. His head doesn't compute

There's clearly a perfectly good chair why have you chosen to sit on his lap in front of everyone?

He's not arguing, like he's smitten

He loves the fact you like him enough that you'll just sit in his lap

But he just doesn't understand why

Vendetta:

Talking positively about him

Like not praising him to his face, but like just actively talking about him

Say your at a family event and he had a good mission

You're just boasting about how great he is at what he does

You know he hates the job and is struggling but everyone else seems impressed and almost thankful for his work

I think he would hate it, the fact you are talking about him in this way and its almost teasing to him because he feels like he doesn't deserve it

But when he actually takes in what you are saying he will blush and stutter because in his mind how can you say all of this about him?

Like he's just a drunk overworked agent in his mind

But in yours he's like a hero

Death Island:

Laying your head in his lap

Like first of all you are dangerously close to a certain area so you are teasing in that way

Secondly he's blushing because why are you so cute like this

His hand just instantly goes for hair and playing with it, stroking your head like some kind of cat

Imagine like everyone around and you just do it because you always do

And he's just awkward because he doesn't want his friends to think a softie but it's also comforting

But to make it worse you nudge your head back and accidentally brush against something that makes him very red in the face

[grimaldiapologist]

dealing you this like radioactive contraband before I go back to pretending I can't draw

[monsters00km]

I like to think Cassandra would have loved Vi.

Not like right away. But more than Tobias.

The main reason is that most of what we know about her is from Caitlyns' perspective. And honestly is makes sense that a 23 year old who still lives at home and has a mother that is powerful feels the way she does about her mom.

But I think about how Cassandra's protectiveness benefits Marcus. Marcus wanted to keep Caitlyn at arms length and Cassandra wanted Caitlyn safe. So I have always wondered if Marcus used this and kept Caitlyn away from more things and blamed it on Cassandra.

This is the big issue between Cassandra and Caitlyn. Her pursuit of her career. And Jayce makes the comment about it not being an esteemed career, and that's the issue. But this is never confirmed by Cassandra.

And what do we know for sure? Cassandra had Caitlyn removed from the force after her was hurt and almost killed. What if this is the actual reason? Regardless of your opinion on enforcers, their line of work would probably be some of the most dangerous in the city. And we are also told she had Caitlyn put on the tent during progress day. She wouldn't do that bc she thinks Caitlyn is above being an enforcer. Actually, they wouldn't make sense at all bc if she's embarrassed by Caitlyn being an enforcer, why make her watch your tent? Bc it wasn't about that. It was about watching Caitlyn and keeping her safe.

And I am not saying she doesn't want Caitlym to be a council member. I'm sure she does. But just bc she wants that doesn't mean she would actively push that. But it is very understandable to actively push for your kid to be safe.

But the 2 things I keep circling back to om why she would have loved Vi is respect and Caitlyn.

I think the reason Cassandra gives Caitlyn that head nod to go after Vi is bc of how Vi acted in the council chambers. Vi just stood in front of the council and basically yelled at them for not doing enough for Zaun.

And we find out in s2 Cassandra made the air clean for Zaun. This doesn't seem like known information. Which means Cassandra helped Zaun not for the praise or recognition, but bc she thought it was the right thing to do.

And Vi just stood in front of the council and showed no fear, and asked them to help Zaun. And yelled at them when they said no. I'm inclined to think Cassandra would have respected that. She may not have thought it was smart. But she would have respected it.

Then we have Caitlyn. Cassandra is never shown pushing relationships onto Caitlyn. Cassandra would know the struggle of being known as a kiramman and not just Cassandra. Vi wears her heart on her sleeve. Another thing that happens in that council meeting is Vi and Caitlyn looking at each other as if the other hung the moon.

I think Cassandra recognized very quickly that Caitlyn had fallen for Vi. And she could see those feelings were returned.

I think Caitlyn is way more like Cassnadra than Tobias. And i think Cassandra knew her daughter better than the audience gives her credit for. From what we have seen of Tobias. We know he wanted to punish Jayce for the explosion in s1 act 1. Not Cassandra. Cassandra sides with Caitlyn to help Jayce. And in s2 act1 he clearly doesn't like Vi. Or that she is there. And he doesn't support Caitlyn at all in s2. Yes. He is grieving. But Caitlyn is grieving and struggling with blaming herself and the weight of filling Cassandra's shoes. And he isn't there for her. And Vi is. And he doesn't seem to realize that Vi is not only helping to support his daughter. But that Caitlyn wants Vi there. It's all over her face.

And yes, we can address the "oh look a stray" comment. But Cassandra wasn't surprised Caitlyn brought a girl home through her window. The stary comment feels more directed at Caitlyn than Vi. Like it's a jab at how she snuck another girl in through the window. Which would imply that Caitlyn isn't serious about Vi.

Then we have Caitlyn and Cassandra's conversation. And how not only did Cassandra let Caitlyn and Vi believes alone in her bedroom afterwords (Yes they are adults but it is still Cassandra's house she could have demanded they can't be in there alone). But Cassandra did what Caitlyn thought Jayce would do. She helped her. She didn't tell her she was wrong. She didn't push back on her. She got her into the meeting with the council.

This got bigger than expected. But I just have a lot to say about it. I know they are small characters based on their screen time. But their impact on Caitlyn is so important and vital to the story. And the more i think about Cassandra, the more i think people really mischaracterize her. I think she loved Caitlyn and her biggest fault was trying to protect her.

[genderqueerdykes]

i am deeply frightened and frustrated and need to talk about my physical health for a bit

all throughout this year, i have been struggling with digestion and other gastrointestinal health issues. i got my gallbladder removed a few months ago, which helped tremendously to reduce the amounts of pain i was in, and it helped decrease my nausea by a lot. however, i had a colonoscopy done that showed that i have diverticulosis, which are bulging pockets in the walls of one's intestines. these pockets can cause all kinds of problems, they can get inflamed and infected super easily due to old waste not cycling out of the body correctly

nothing was done about it. the doctor never talked to me to tell me if they were infected or inflamed or not. i was told nothing and sent home. for the past year, i have been having debilitating GI issues. i can barely eat food anymore. nearly every time i eat, no matter what it is, i either become nauseated, or end up having to run to the bathroom shortly afterwards. whenever i have to use the bathroom i come out of it feeling weak, exhausted and sick. the pain in my stomach and intestines has been unbearable.

a few nights ago, i ate some bread the food bank gave me, and it caused me so much lower gut pain that i couldn't move or do much of anything. the amount of foods i can safely consume without becoming sick is slowly becoming less and less. it's to the point where i'm just genuinely scared to eat anymore. i don't really know what to do about it. i feel hysterical, like i'm gonna crack and break into thousands of pieces

i have an appointment scheduled with a good medical group, but the soonest they were able to get me into their GI department for an appointment is May of 2025. if i'm struggling this hard to eat now, i have no idea what's going to happen in the next 5 months. i'm so tired of having to worry constantly before every bite of food i eat if i'm going to become sick and spend my entire day in the bathroom.

i hate the american medical system so much. i hate how gross i feel all the time and that there's nothing i can do about it. its getting to the point where i might go to the ER again. i don't really know what else to do, i still can't eat food. i got my gallbladder removed, but i still can't eat. that was only part of the problem. i hate that the rest of it was just completely ignored. if i'm constantly complaining about lower GI symptoms and i have diverticulosis, there's a good chance that is the reason why my lower gut is so miserable. but just ignore it, i'm fat, so it doesn't matter if i can't eat. i'm sure they think it's good for me to eat less. fucking christ.

[alswosofavs]

walking in a winter wonderland

AR23

Alessia Russo x Reader

Summary: You and less go to winter wonderland

You smiled up at the taller blonde stood beside you.

"What's the grin for baby?" she smiled back at you.

"I love you Less, you know that right?" in captured by the blue orbs staring down at you. You had decided to take Less to winter wonderland this year and for the first time in what felt like forever England had an actual decent snowfall. So here you two stood staring into each other eyes outside waiting in the line to enter.

"Of course I do. I love you too. So much" She giggled and then leant down to kiss you. Even though you and the striker had been together for over a year now you still got the same butterflies in your stomach whenever her lips touched yours. You weaved your hand into hers and pulled away smiling.

"What do you want to do first?" You crossed your fingers and hoped she would steer clear from the rides.  For god knows what reason the blonde seemed to love the terrifying horrific rides they had at fun fairs and popups. The god awful slingshot was her favorite and you swore on your life she would never get you on it. However, you struggle to say no to her. Your girlfriend knowing exactly which tone to use and what way to look at you to make you melt and agree to anything she said. You knew you would find your way onto that monstrosity at some point this evening but hoped to prolong the torture as long as possible.

"I was thinking we could get some marshmallows?" You finally let out a deep breath you hadn't even noticed you were holding and smiled.

"Of course, anything for my star girl" star girl was a nickname you starting using for Alessia back after the 2022 euros. You remember so clearly watching her in the final match and tearing up seeing her with her medal. From that day on the name had stuck.

"Anything?" Less smirked. Normally if the blonde smirked you'd get excited but on this occasion you knew this wasn't just an average smirk this was the look of someone who was going to get you to agree to the hellish ride before even entering Hyde park.

"Babe no." You said firmly.

"I thought you said you loved me?" she pouted. Her first tactic of the night. You knew more would come and honestly wanted to see how far you could push the striker before you doubled down.

"I do but you won't go ice skating with me!" Your one and only attempt to get what you wanted from the night ended up in an eye roll from the blonde.

"So you want me to break my leg for Christmas? Baby you know how clumsy I am!"

"I'll catch you, I'm awesome at ice skating!" you exclaimed proudly hoping the idea of her in your arms would help sway the blondes decision.

"Well I will admit I like the idea of that" she smiled, your tactics working and distracting her from the idea of the ride.

You made it to the front of the line and scanned your tickets and enter. She took your hand and pulled you over to the familiar place where you could toast marshmallows.

"I'll get them" Less smiled and quickly went to get the sticks and the marshmallows. When she returned she handed you a stick and a marshmallow. "Don't get too excited" She laughed remembering your black marshmallow from the last time you two decided to toast them. Ignoring her you stuck the marshmallow into the flamed leaving it there for a second too long until it caught fire. You pulled it out and blew on it until the fire went out and you were left with yet again another burnt marshmallow.

"Whoops" You laughed looking at the inedible thing in your hand.

"Here have mine" She smiled and pushed her stick into your face. You opened your mouth and grabbed the marshmallow off of it.

"God that tastes good thank you" You smiled and leant to kiss her, she could taste the sugar on your tongue.

You both finished up your marshmallows and thankfully you managed to make it through the rest without incinerating them.

"Where to next angel?" Less smiled at you. The blonde wrapped her hand in yours.

"Please please please can we go ice skating? Please Less I know your scared but I promise that I'm here it'll be okay I promise" You looked up to her and widened your eyes stealing her tactics hoping she would break.

"Alright fine. But you're speaking to Renee when I'm in a boot and can't play" She joked. You leant down and kissed her.

"YES THANK YOU" You shouted pulling her over to the ice skating rink.

After you two paid and you got your skates you were on the ice. Alessia clung to the railing barely moving whilst you glided next to her laughing at her.

"Come on Lessi take my hand" you laughed as you reached out your hand to try and urge her off "I promise it's better on this ice!" technically not a lie.

"I really suck at this" she sighed but took your hand nonetheless. You eased her away from the edge and for a good few seconds she stood pretty sturdy without much help needed from you. Suddenly she started wobbling so you took your arm and threaded it around her waist to keep her upright.

"You were right it is easier up here" she started to get more confident and let you let go of her waist so you could skate more freely, choosing to skate around her in little circles. You finished facing her and took her hands and started to skate backwards guiding her and speeding her pace up.

"Trust me" You smiled at her, looking over your shoulder every so often to make sure the route was clear.

"Its not that I don't but we're going very fast," she smiled.

After gaining more confidence she finally let go. As soon as she did though she went toppling to the ground.

"I knew that would happen" she said making no attempt to pull herself up instead she sat on the ice with her arms up. Reluctantly you grabbed her arm and pulled her up and helped her get steady.

“Come on stargirl lets get you onto solid ground” You laughed and led her to the end.

“Where to now stargirl?” You smiled. You knew it was time.

“Well after that horrific fail,” she winked, “can we PLEASE go on the slingshot?” She had that look on her face. The one that made you crumble in a second. 

“Lesssss” you whined.

“Pretty please? I'll wash the dishes for a week” and that was it. The striker knew the one thing you hated more than that ride was doing the dishes.

“Make it two and you have a deal.” You felt quite smug 

“Really babe? Fine” she kissed you gently and then you two walked over to the dreaded ride.

Finally you reach the front of the line. The feeling of regret pooled in your gut. As you sat in the chair you grabbed less’ hand hard.

“Baby I know you're scared but you're hurting me” She tried to shake away from your grasp and failed.

“ If you can force me on here you can deal with some squeezing” You said bitterly but did release just a little bit, not actually wanting to hurt the blonde.

“Take off in 3,” you felt your grip tighten again “two” lessi squeezed your hand, a small subtle movement to show she was there, “one” you inhaled sharply as the ball you two were sat in got catapulted into the air. You swore you just about passed out but you could feel the blonde next to you keeping you centred.

“ALESSIA MIA THERESA RUSSO I FUCKING HATE YOU” you screamed. The striker just giggled and squeezed your hand.

“I love you baby” You sighed knowing how much this meant to her.

Once the spins and bouncing had subsided you were finally lowered and released onto flat ground. It took a little while to gain your footing again still shaking from the ride as you clung onto the taller girls hand.

“You're so cute when you're scared angel” she laughed 

“Can we head back now?” you said with a yawn tired from the long day.

“Of course” She took your hand and you two walked off to the busy tube together.

“I had the best day with you stargirl” 

“I had an even better day with you love”

================================================

Hey guys!! this is my first fic I'm a bit nervous releasing it as I've not really written anything before! Enjoy

[oliversrarebooks]

The Rare Bookseller Part 78: Oliver's Awakening

Previous > Masterlist

tw: aftermath of mind control, discussion of abuse

October 1925

Oliver writhed on the ground, his chest as tight as a drum and tears squeezing from his eyes, as all the fear and pain and shame that had been suppressed the past few months flooded him.

He'd been content, so content to give up his own life to become the servant of a vampire, hardly even struggling as he was taken and confined and ensorcelled. He'd enjoyed the vile feedings, looking forward to the vampire drinking away his blood, pleased to slump over in the vampire's arms as his life was drained, satisfied with the twin scars on his neck. He'd cheerfully allowed the vampire to pass him around like a party favor to his lover, to curl up around him as he slept, to dress him up in ball gowns and take him to vampire dens to show off…

But truly, it wasn't the shame that hurt the most -- that was just the easiest of his emotions to understand. No, the worst of it was the profound sense of emptiness. It was if Alexander's music had filled something within him he hadn't known was empty. It had given him a purpose, even if it was to follow the selfish whims of a monster, and now he was devoid. Knowing intellectually that it had never been a real purpose, just enslavement, didn't ease the sting of his heart.

Vivian crouched down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Oliver, I know it's a lot to process. It might take days or weeks --"

"You don't know!" Oliver wrenched backwards to get away from her, furious. "You don't know what you just took. You can't!"

"I know it must hurt --"

"If you knew it would hurt like this, then why did you do it against my wishes?" Oliver demanded.

"Oliver!" Emily was standing nearby. "She was just trying to help. It's not fair to yell at her like that."

"It's not fair that I feel like this!"

"Leave him alone," said Vivian. "Let him scream at me if he wants. He's coming out of a much deeper enthrallment than you were in, Emily. It won't be easy."

"That's not true," she said indignantly. "I could barely talk, couldn't remember my past, wasn't even literate any more."

"Yes, and that's relatively easy for a vampire to do. What's been done to Oliver is far more precise and insidious, to keep him so intact on the surface while bending his desires and loyalties completely."

"Do you mind talking about me as though I'm not even here?" Oliver hated how angry he was, how he couldn't control the harshness of his voice. He was never angry, never so much as raised his voice at a difficult customer, not before he was captured. Even then, his anger had been weak, easily plucked out of his head by that damned Miss Lily. He felt sick to think of himself drowsing in her company, letting her rummage through his very mind, throw out anything she didn't like, and replacing his truth with a pretty painted facade.

"I'm sorry," said Vivian. "I know you're upset with me, but this is important. Can you still feel the connection with your former master?"

"No. It's been severed. I can't hear him anymore."

"That's good. With a vampire that powerful, it's likely that your connection is actually only weakened, not entirely destroyed. He may try to enter your head again, draw you under his sway."

Oliver nodded, ashamed that a part of him hoped he would, that Alexander's music would dull the pain. No, he would have to resist somehow. He couldn't go through all of this heartache for no reason, to go merrily skipping back into the arms of a vampire. Vivian's magic had stripped away the illusion, revealed the monster behind the handsome face.

"I'll try to resist," said Oliver shakily.

"Good, that's good. If you hear his voice, you need to tell me immediately, all right? I can help protect you, or wash out his influence again if we need to," she said. "It's my fault for not killing him when I had the chance. I was a coward. And now I'll have to plan to go after him again, before he hunts me down."

"Don't kill him!" Oliver's fervor surprised even him.

"Oliver, you'll never be safe until I do."

"I know that, but -- I don't want him to die. Maybe I should want him to die, maybe I'm still under his spell, but I can't bring myself to want him to die," he said, not understanding why he felt so strongly about this when he knew Alexander's true nature.

"He took you from your bookshop, remember?" said Emily. "The whole time we were in those cages -- at least, before Lily warped our minds -- that's all you could talk about, was your bookshop and how you had to return there. Don't you want to?"

His bookshop, and the tiny apartment above. His little safe haven, where he'd spent his entire life. The antique books locked behind the counter, the sagging shelves of the history section, the ratty armchair with the throw blankets that might still be waiting for him.

"I can't go back there," he said. "Alexander was one of my customers. He'd find me easily."

"That's why I have to kill him," said Vivian.

Mounting horror dawned on Oliver. "But even if you did kill him, it wouldn't do any good, because his sire would find out and hunt us both down. I'm sure of it."

"His sire? A vampire that powerful, and he's still beholden to his sire?"

"He's a terrifying vampire." The fear, which had been acute before, was now so much more sharp without Alexander's soothing influence. He could remember the feel of harsh fangs in his neck all too well, the panic of being unable to open his eyes. "Far more terrifying than Alexander could ever be. Alexander once told me that if we ever tried to escape him, he'd hunt us both down and make sport of it, and I believe him."

"It can't be…" Vivian muttered. "Tell me more about him, your former master's sire."

As much as Oliver didn't care to recall those memories, Vivian might actually be able to help. "I'll tell you whatever information I have. I'd be happy to see him die, and Alexander would, too. I don't know his real name, but they all call him the Maestro --"

"You've met him?" She gripped his shoulders like a madwoman. "You've actually met the Maestro?"

"Unfortunately, yes. You've heard of him?"

"He took my mother. He's the vampire I need to kill more than any other. You must tell me everything you know about him."

"I'm sorry about your mother," he said. "I can tell you everything I've learned about him, if you agree that you won't kill Alexander."

"Even if I were convinced you truly meant that and it wasn't just residual conditioning, I couldn't agree to that. Alexander is likely to come after me for taking you, and if he does, I need to be able to defend myself."

"I suppose that's true," said Oliver reluctantly. He didn't want to admit to himself that it would be ideal if Vivian were to kill the Maestro but spare Alexander, so that he would have the option of returning to the vampire without the threat of his sire hanging over their heads.

No, he must still be under the spell. He shouldn't return to Alexander under any circumstances, not if he wanted to keep a free thought in his head.

"You need to tell me," Vivian insisted. "Revenge on the Maestro is one of the main reasons I became a hunter in the first place. It wasn't just my mother who suffered. He's killed at least twenty hunters, and he's believed to have kidnapped a number of musicians and stage performers. He needs to be stopped."

"He does." Oliver sighed, feeling that tiny bit of leverage slip. "All right. I'll tell you what I know."

He tried to recall everything he could for Vivian's sake -- everything Lex had told him, and especially recounting his own experiences with the cruel vampire. Emily sat nearby, her eyes going wide with horror as Oliver described his blinding and the painful feeding. Vivian, on the other hand, was absorbing all of Oliver's words carefully.

"So when he controlled you -- was there any sort of induction he had to perform? Any conditions he had to meet?"

"I don't think so, or at least I don't remember any. Alexander didn't mention any either. He was able to puppet my body as easily as if I were a toy, and there didn't seem to be any way to resist it."

"Hm. That's going to be trouble," said Vivian, deep in thought. "And when he stopped you from opening your eyes again -- how long did it take for that enthrallment to wear off?"

"It didn't. The next day, Alexander took me to Miss -- to another vampire's home, one that specializes in hypnotizing humans, and she reversed the Maestro's command."

"A specialist in hypnotizing humans? Lily?"

"You know her too?"

"Yes, I'm aware of her."

"Are you going to kill her, too?"

"I really should, considering how many people's minds she's destroyed -- or are you going to defend her as well?"

"…No." Truthfully, he felt more conflicted about it than he should, given that Vivian was objectively correct. How many human minds had she stolen? How many lives had she cut short, selling innocent people off to vampires with nothing more than glee about her profits? She was the one who had twisted his mind, and all those feelings of comfort and warmth as he slept in her chair were nothing more than lies to keep him docile.

"So do have any idea where the Maestro lives?"

"No, I'm sorry. Those are the only two times I encountered him, and Alexander never mentioned where he lives, from what I can recall."

Vivian sighed. "It's a pity. But even so, you've given me far more information than I had yesterday, and I'm grateful for it."

"You know… both you and Alexander want the Maestro dead. Could you ever consider working together?" asked Oliver.

"Working with a vampire?"

"Only this one specific time, only to kill an even worse vampire!"

"I can't do that," said Vivian. "Even if we do have the same goal. Fighting a vampire as formidable as the Maestro would leave me vulnerable, and I can't trust that this Alexander wouldn't simply enthrall me afterwards. In fact, he'd be stupid not to, lest I kill him."

Oliver wanted to protest that Alexander wouldn't do that… except that Alexander might actually do that. After all, he had no qualms at all about buying a human at auction, even a human he previously knew as an equal. Why would he hesitate to enthrall a hunter?

"Come on," said Vivian, helping him off the floor. "We can talk more about this later. You've been through a lot tonight, and need more time to shake off the spell you've been under. We have a room that you can use, but I'm going to have to lock you in, and keep you under surveillance for now, at least until we're sure that your vampire isn't going to try and push himself into your head again."

"Fine," he said, accepting that Vivian didn't trust him. He didn't even trust himself. "Why can he still do that, if you've undone the enthrallment?"

"There's a psychic connection established when a vampire drinks your blood. It's not quite the same thing as enthrallment, and it can be very strong. It fades in days or weeks, but until then, you'll still be vulnerable to the vampire's influence."

"I see." He wondered if that applied to any vampire which had fed from him. If it did, that meant -- "But the Maestro, he…"

"Yes," she said grimly. "Has he ever entered your mind before, when he's not there in person?"

"I don't think so. I hope not."

"I hope not either. I'm not prepared to fight him just yet. If you sense anything, you need to tell me right away."

"Yes, of course."

Vivian led Oliver out of the attic and into a room little bigger than a closet, with a cot and a small chest of drawers. "You should get some rest," she said, herding Oliver inside. "You'll feel better once you have. Is there anything you need?"

"A glass of water, please?" asked Oliver, sitting on the edge of the cot. "And if you have any interesting books…"

"Certainly. I'll see what I can do."

Oliver waited patiently for Vivian to return with the water and a couple of old magazines. As soon as she left the room and he heard the lock click shut, he fell back onto the bed, knowing that he wouldn't even be able to concentrate on reading, not with all the thoughts crowding his head.

He was free.

Wasn't he?

It was terribly hard to feel free when he was locked into a small room, the threat of his vampiric master and his sire still hanging over his head like an executioner's axe. The confinement was for his own safety, and he understood the reasons, but he wouldn't actually be free until both Alexander and the Maestro had ceased to walk the earth.

He was frustrated with himself. He shouldn't care so much about the well-being of a vampire who had literally purchased him at auction. And yet…

Now that the initial shock and fear had worn off, he was finding himself gripped by a deep and profound sadness. The cot he lay on was hard and cold, and he couldn't suppress his longing for his bed at home -- no, Alexander's bed. It wasn't ever his. He'd been hypnotized to share it, to cuddle up with a monster.

He'd been hypnotized into affection.

And it was really the only affection he'd had since he was a child, wasn't it? He'd lived such a solitary and quiet life, spending almost every night alone in his small apartment with books for company. Even the simple pleasure of curling up to read next to someone else had been foreign to him until he came into Alexander's possession.

And it had all been a fabrication meant to keep him compliant, hadn't it? He shouldn't miss it. He should be glad to be rid of it.

But the thought of returning to his solitary life, of never experiencing actual tenderness, was crushing him inside. He'd been starving for so many years, but it had been bearable when he didn't know what he was missing. Now that he knew that his choice was between actual loneliness and false companionship, he could only be ashamed at the parts of himself which preferred the lie.

No, he had to press on somehow. He couldn't return himself to a monster, no matter how charming. He should be happy to be freed. He could have his own life back. He could sleep during the night and wake during the day, and walk in the sunshine, and choose to go wherever he pleased.

He could take what little money he had stashed in his bookshop and take a train out of town, or a boat overseas, see the new places that he dreamed about but never got around to visiting. He could start his life over, do something else with it. Live a fuller life in the here and now rather than wait in his lonely little bookshop, wait for something to happen to him. Something had happened to him, and it should have taught him a lesson about choosing what he wants before it's chosen for him.

It was exhilarating. But…

For all his newly gained freedom, he still had no idea what he actually wanted. The desire for fangs in his neck was fake, but at least it was a clear desire. What did he want before, apart from books and safety? And who was he now, now that he knew the dangerous world of the supernatural lurked just behind every streetlamp, just waiting to pull him into it?

Previous > Masterlist

Next week: Oliver is not as free as he might have hoped.

I'll also have a Christmas-adjacent self-indulgent vampire story up tomorrow, so please keep an eye out! And vote in the holiday edition of Sedation Vending Machine!

Thanks for reading this story another year, and happy holidays!

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[bwat5-blog]

The Commander: Part Two

**Spoilers For All Of Arcane**

***LONG I AM NOT KIDDING***

We jump back into the exploration of Caitlyn's story ash she leads the strike team into Zaun. She names three objective:

Locate Jinx

Dismantle Shimmer

Neutralize any agents still loyal to Silco

Now in the interest of clarity and rational thinking, let us take a moment to examine each of these objectives without consideration of Caitlyn's current mental state, as well as an objective look into the use of the grey. I will indicate the beginning and end of this section clearly. The reason I am making a point of this, is so that you know I am going to discuss the moral and ethical concerns here. But, this is really when people started losing their mind regarding Caitlyn's arc so lets begin with turning down the temperature, and taking a more rational look at what unfolds.

The Strike Team:

"Can I do the right thing for the wrong reason? Is it bad that I'm making friends with my demons, and living by a couple deadly sins just to make sure I finish what you began..... let it rain down hellfire, can't hide away. it's judgement day, and no one gets out alive"("Hellfire" Fever 333")

Logic Based Examination Of the Strike Team's Objectives And Methods:

Locate Jinx- As members of the audience, it is easy to hear Caitlyn and feel outrage. We have seen Jinx's suffering and struggle since she was a little girl named Powder. We have seen that Silco used Caitlyn's presence in the undercity to drive Vi and Jinx apart, and that Sevika did so with the express intent of driving Jinx further into chaos. But to the entity that is "Piltover", what does Jinx actually represent?

A- The theft of the gemstone in which six enforcers were killed, and a building was burned down.

B- The bombing of the Bridge, in which several enforcers were killed.

C- The assassination of three councilors, destruction of the council chamber, paralyzing Salo from the waist down, and maiming Shoola's eye

D- As I stated in part one, although we the audience know that Jinx was not involved in the attack on the memorial, in the wake of her killing the council members and being known as the "daughter" of Silco, it is completely reasonable that the people of Piltover are linking her to this attack as well.

Caitlyn's emotional link aside, Jinx has come to represent a dangerous and highly intelligent threat to the safety of Piltover. They do not see her wandering the streets of Zaun afterward, ready to die. They see that a violent terrorist gained access to the most powerful innovation of their life time, weaponized it extremely fast implying her brilliance, conducted what they understand to be a political assassination, and then sent soldiers into Piltover during a time of grief to kill more. Again, this is all to be considered without Caitlyn's impact. It is simply the facts as they understand them.

2. Dismantle Shimmer- Shimmer and Hextech are the answers to each other. Topside has their great source of power, and the undercity has theirs. And while the intent to dismantle it seems to have more to do with taking that weapon away from their enemies than anything, Shimmer is a dangerous, unstable, highly addictive drug that caused a tremendous amount of suffering in the undercity. It's long term exposure leading to addiction, mutation, and death.

3. Neutralize Any Agents Still Loyal To Silco- So what we see when the strike team begins their operation, is that they are targeting the Chem-Barons and their operations primarily having to do with Shimmer. The Chem-Barons are dangerous crime lords pushing Shimmer and murdering those who stand against them. As we see in "Watch It All Burn" they are ripping the undercity apart in their struggle for power, despite Sevika's efforts to make them stop.

"Dirty little animals, you cannibals, eat your supper.. one by one all these vultures keep coming".. ("Sucker" Marcus king)

These are NOT good people. They are not freedom fighters. They are not speaking truth to power and standing for the oppressed. They are violent and selfish criminals who even if they believed in a cause once, have long since abandoned it in favor of greed, and power.

Now, moving forward from that look at their objectives, let's talk about what got our hash-tagger (I haven't forgotten about you and welcome back!) and their friends rage smashing their keyboards.

The Grey-

Origin-

Using the Kiramman key, Caitlyn learns that her forebears created the ventilation system used filter the toxins from the air in the undercity. It is first described as "factory smog trapped underground", and from what we are given to understand, Piltover scientists have weaponized it for the strike team's purposes. Although we do see Silco use some version of it to bring the Chem-Barons into line when they question him.

Confirmed Effects-

Painful irritation to eyes: We this across its multiple uses for the most recent example, look at Cait's eyes during the final fight against Ambessa in season 2.

Nasal irritation: Heenot seems to sneeze quite a bit from exposure

Painful irritation to the throat: Every person exposed immediately starts to cough, hack, that sort of thing quite violently

Trouble breathing to the point of incapacitation: Multiple examples, some people seem to take it better than others.

Now, what did I not list? Death. There is a reason. There is not a single indication anywhere that the use of The Grey in these short term combat situations has killed anyone. In fact, we have repeated examples of characters who are exposed and are very much alive:

Caitlyn Kiramman: Exposed during fight against Ambessa and her forces.

Steb: Exposed during fight against Ambessa and her forces.

Heenot: Left hanging exposed in the grey By Jinx.

Jinx: Exposed when the strike team comes for her in the arcade.

Finn (dead but not because of gas): Exposed by Silco in season one. Now in fairness, whatever Silco had was clearly not the same form as what the strike team are using, but if anything it seems more violent, as the Chem-Barrons react far more quickly than we see people reacting to the grey.

Throughout Arcane, there are multiple statements regarding the "poisoning of our air" when people of Zaun speak about Topside. This is to do with pollution,smog and runoff from the mines and industry of Piltover. That's what the strike team is using, weaponized pollution to incapacitate enemies and drive people off the streets who are not fighting. And just like severe pollution would there be long term health effects if you were consistently exposed? Certainly. We see this in the diagrams Caitlyn is inspecting regarding the ventilation. But that is not what is happening here. In order to maintain proper perspective and not let rhetoric blind us, below you will find a very brief list of real world chemical weapons and a few of their side effects:

Sarin Gas: Cardiac arrest, coma, paralysis, respiratory failure

VX Gas: Seizures, Increased fluid buildup in airway and digestive tract, flaccid paralysis, death

They are quite clearly not the same. And if you consider the fact that they are chasing someone who is quite fond of using explosives, using a weapon that clears innocent people off of the streets and incapacitates enemies meaning they don't have to kill them, is far from the great crime against humanity people have made it out to be.

End Of Logic Only Based Analysis

Okay, now that we have that out of the way let's get back to why we are all here, Caitlyn Kiramman. If you refer to the lyrics of the song that plays during a look into the strike-team's actions, even just the first line tells us where her head space is. "Can I do the right thing, for the wrong reasons". The reason I just went through all of that above, is that it is easy to see how Caitlyn can justify all of this in her mind. The Strike Team is the alternative to a full-scale invasion, first off. And they want to dismantle the operations of the violent criminals that are tearing the Undercity apart, as well as catch the person who brought this most recent storm of Piltover's wrath upon the innocents of Zaun.

But as we see, Caitlyn is falling further and further into her rage and pain as this operation continues. Even in the cinematic for hellfire, her face is so clear. This mission is not about justice or liberating Zaun from the criminals so willing to harm their own, it is about revenge. If you recall, in part one I discussed and cited the potential emotional and mental effects of exposure to violence someone may suffer from. Caitlyn has in NO WAY BEGUN TO HEAL. And now she is leading her team in urban warfare, in the streets of Zaun losing more of herself day by day.

To conclude, we need to discuss two primary factors in all of this regarding Caitlyn's mental state, as we lead up to the battle of the ventilation chamber.

The Grey:

Have the fandom completely and totally lost their minds regarding the grey. Yes. I'm sorry, but yes. Take a moment and consider if they weren't using it, it scares away innocents and incapacitates those who would fight. Whatever the death toll was during this operation, it would have been much worse if they had a full-on firefight in every situation.... And to those who say "well they didn't have to be there in the first place" remember that the alternative here is a full-scale military invasion with hex-tech wielding enforcers. After the memorial attack there is no question, Piltover is coming.

However, what it is also, it is a perversion of Caitlyn's families good work. A twisting of what her forebears designed to give the people of the undercity good clean air. The point here is following the theme given to us by song in the beginning, the right thing for the wrong reasons. Caitlyn is able to hide from the truth of the darkness growing in her because this all seems so righteous. But the woman who loves her and she loves in return sees through her, which brings us to another consideration.

Vi:

Vi's turn as an Enforcer is extremely controversial in the fandom, and there is a lot of discussion about the various facets of her story. Here, we are focusing on Caitlyn, but for what I should hope are beyond obvious reasons, Vi is immensely important to Caitlyn's story. So that end, we need to understand a few points:

Vi made her own choice: Listen y’all, anyone who has been keeping up with me knows Vi is my favorite character. I have vigorously defended the character against the bizarre and idiotic criticisms that have been levelled at her since this season and will continue to do so happily. But people blaming Caitlyn for Vi being here are wrong. There is a conversation to be had about Caitlyn asking Vi to come and wear the uniform (and we are going to), but Vi made the decision for herself. No one put a gun to her head.

Caitlyn asked Vi to come and wear the uniform: As previously stated, Vi made her own choice. But, I think if we consider how Caitlyn has treated Vi throughout the story, the fact that she would ever ask Vi to come and do this, to wear the symbol of her parents murderers and do violence in Zaun's streets, speaks fairly significantly to her tunnel vision regarding their mission and her lessening ability to consider the consequences of her actions as she becomes more and more violent. Caitlyn has only ever been kind and loving to Vi, but the part of her that has to know what all of this is doing to her, is sinking further and further below the waves.

The Kiss-

Before confronting Jinx and Sevika, Vi asks Caitlyn for a moment, having seen the darkness consuming her. They come to an agreement on sending the rest of the team home, for fear of Jinx using their inexperience against them. It is then that they have a discussion that will impact both of them for months to come:

Caitlyn: "I can't let her get away again. Are you sure you're ready to..?"

Vi: "My sister is gone... there's only Jinx now. It has to end. I'm so sorry about your mother, I'm sorry I can't bring her back. Please just, everyone in my life has changed. Promise me you won't change"

Vi tears up, clearly overwhelmed and Caitlyn kisses her, saying "I won't".

It's a very moving moment and one fans of their love have been waiting for a very long time. Sadly, it is also quite clear that it was a doomed promise to ask for. Because the reality is that Caitlyn has already changed and been changing. It isn't a fair thing of Vi to expect Caitlyn to remain unchanged in this overwhelming situation. But Vi isn't being malicious, she has lost quite literally everyone she has ever cared for, and sees the last person she has left changing in front of her, she is afraid. And for Caitlyn's part, she sees the woman she loves, showing the vulnerability and fear and need of comfort that she knows Vi will only let her see, and she wants to be that for her. Wants to make her feel better. But on some level Caitlyn knows she can't honor that promise, so she doesn't make one. She says "i won't".

The Ventilation Chamber:

        Finally, for the first time since Jinx killed her mother, Caitlyn is face to face with the living embodiment of her nightmares. I am certainly not going over the entire list again, but I encourage you to revisit the list of reasons Caitlyn has to hate/fear Jinx.  When it all comes to a head, Caitlyn has her rifle on Jinx, with Isha trying to shield her, and Vi makes her stop. Trying to reason with her due to the risk of hitting Isha. After Sevika detonates the charges and Vi and Cait are thrown into the next chamber, Caitlyn insists she had the shot still in defiance of Vi’s bringing up the risk of hitting Isha. They lash out verbally at one another, with Caitlyn hitting Vi in the stomach with her rifle and leaving her behind. We need to more closely examine what we are seeing to understand this situation appropriately:

Vi tries to call out to Caitlyn repeatedly and tell her “She’s a child”, all Caitlyn responds with is “Move, she’s not getting away again”: We know Caitlyn. There is quite literally no scenario in which the Caitlyn we know would endanger the life of a child. But here, it’s like she can’t even see Isha. She is wide eyed, breathing heavy, looks incredibly angry, and even fires twice, striking Vi’s glove once.  She is showing extreme tunnel vision and single-minded rage putting the life of a child and the woman she loves at risk with her actions. Everything about the way she is behaving suggests a severe episode related to her PTSD, standing face to face with the source of her trauma.

Caitlyn tells Vi she is no different than Jinx because of the blood in her veins and hits her in the stomach with her rife stock, abandoning her: Okay, as I have said, Vi is my favorite character. So yes, when I saw this part I wanted to reach through the screen and choke her out. But again, we have to take a step back for a moment. I know I have not done much of a job in explaining it, but Caitlyn has been demonstrating consistently mounting psychological trauma since this all started. Now she has survived a violent confrontation and come face to face with the symbol of all of it. Just a refresher as to what she is feeling in this moment:

Guilt- She had a shot on Jinx that very first time. So, she has been carrying that with her regarding her mother’s death

Hatred- I think it’s totally fair to say she legitimately and completely hates Jinx given everything that has happened

Fear- She is terrified of Jinx. I have listed all of the reasons why, but for Caitlyn this moment is being face to face with the monster and at the end of the movie. Except in this version, the person you love stops you from finishing the monster. (in Caitlyn’s emotionally overloaded POV)

Betrayal- Although Vi had a totally valid reason for stopping Caitlyn, Caitlyn is not in a place where she can see that. In this moment all she can process is that Vi told her she was ready for it to end before they went into that chamber, and then Vi stopped her.

Shame- Look at her eyes a moment after she hits Vi. She is clearly full of regret and leaves quickly

As I have stated previously, simply from a layman’s perspective there seems to be quite of bit of evidence of Caitlyn’s trauma wreaking havoc on her ability to process and deal with this situation in any way that she normally would.

A Lamb To The Slaughter:

Standing at the general assembly while Ambessa makes her speech, we need to take stock of where Caitlyn is at this moment emotionally and mentally:

Survived series of multiple violent incidents that almost claimed her life over very short time

She is twenty-three years old

Abducted from her childhood home and terrorized

Mother murdered

Survived attack at mother’s memorial

Lead team in urban warfare in Zaun

Stopped from getting revenge on jinx for all of it

Romantic partner is gone

Grieving, exhausted, angry, afraid, guilty, betrayed, and full of hate

So when Ambessa Medarda, a warlord, a literal leader of men promises justice and names her the commander, she has no chance at resisting her. She is vulnerable and alone, with a highly intelligent older figure filling the role of the parent she lost, telling her to weaponize her suffering, promising her justice. Sound Familiar?

Before we move into discussing her time as the "Dictator", I do also want to draw attention to something. As I said, Caitlyn is 23 years old. Every person in that assembly knows who she is. They know she is extremely young, and despite her remarkable accomplishments she is also in immense emotional turmoil. Do any of the older people there do anything as a warlord in her fifties calls Caitlyn and essentially rubberstamp's her forehead with the word "SCAPEGOAT!". No they don't. And please, don't misunderstand this to mean I do think Caitlyn is accountable for her mistakes and decisions both up til now and moving forward. But you have to actively be ignoring details not to see that Caitlyn has been manipulated and used by Ambessa.

The "Dictator":

First and foremost, a word on the pacing of this part of Caitlyn's story. There are many varying opinions on the handling of pacing in season 2. I have made mine known, and so will spare you the diatribe here. I will simply say, that for such an important part of her story, we don't spend a lot of time with her. The fact that she doesn't have one scene clearly indicating she is thinking of Vi is a felony offense. I don't care where the pillows are with Maddie.

Hashtagger! We are finally here, she is the figurehead of a system of marshal law. Very exciting stuff. I know you have been waiting, eager to use the word fascist and other fun names. But stick with me. You will be surprised what you can learn when you actually watch the show.

What We Actually Know:

Per comments from Amanda Overton, it has been 3-6 months since the events of "Finally Got The Name Right"

She is in a romantic relationship with Maddie, who we have the hindsight of knowing is a Noxian Spy

Zaun has been fully occupied with checkpoints and inspections

Jinx has become a symbol to Zaun

Ambessa conducting secret hex-tech experiments and brutal interrogations

She has forbidden use of the cells like Vi was in

Has become close.. or at least something like it with Ambessa

In the time since we last saw her, Caitlyn has become a very different person than we left off. She seems tired, cold and withdrawn. She frequently expresses doubt and concern over how things are happening but cannot bring herself to put a stop to it when given the chance at various points (or more accurately being tested to see if she will try to put a stop to it I suppose). The fandom at large has taken this part of Caitlyn's story and used it to turn her into Idi Amin. This is completely laughable. While Caitlyn is responsible for her mistakes and her bad decisions, the truth here is that she is a young woman who has been totally submerged by her inner darkness. She is being manipulated to the highest degree, and has been made a scapegoat by a woman she has come to trust. First and foremost to get an understanding of this time for her, we have to discuss she and Ambessa.

Caitlyn & Ambessa-

Much like Silco and Jinx, I do not doubt that Ambessa has come to care for Caitlyn in some way. Ambessa has focused a great deal on teaching her and does seem to actually believe in her to some degree, as Rictus will later share with her. But ultimately, Caitlyn has been a target of Ambessa's manipulations much longer than she can image. We know that the Memorial attack was orchestrated to exacerbate the conflict between the two cities. And when Caitlyn enters the council chamber afterward to announce her strike-team's mission, Ambessa is quite clearly impressed. So when it all comes to head after the Strike Team's mission has failed, Ambessa moves in, filling the hole in Caitlyn's life and guiding her away from the light. We learn some important things in these interactions between or about them, regarding Ambessa's manipulation of her:

When speaking to Rictus, Ambessa says "the moment WE seize control of this backwater". She is not talking about Caitlyn. There are no illusions here as to who is in charge.

"I've learned so much from her..she delivered us Zaun as she promised... who knows how many would have died". Caitlyn talking about Ambessa to Maddie. The Noxian spy Ambessa put in Caitlyn's bed.

Caitlyn and Ambessa acknowledge mutual lack of trust between them.

Caitlyn questions Ambessa over violence being done by them. States arrests require cause. We see that Ambessa likes that fire in Caitlyn , and they have conversation regarding forgiveness: "Maybe you have the strength I do not.. to forgive.. and trust in tomorrow"... This is a powerful moment because Ambessa is using it to guilt Caitlyn into keep fighting, but in reality it becomes Caitlyn's greatest strength.

Ambessa trains Caitlyn in combat, calls her kin. And teaches Caitlyn the very thing she will one day use to defeat her.. sacrifice

"There are moments when your in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down...." (It's quiet uptown, Hamilton)

We are not witnessing the reign of a power hungry despot in Caitlyn. We are seeing a broken and angry young woman whose greatest failing is believing what this vastly more experienced mentor is telling her is the right thing. And even when she knows deep down it's not, cannot bring herself to believe there is any hope left. We are given many examples of the conflict she is feeling:

"Up again?"- We learn from Maddie Caitlyn has not been sleeping well

"I never thought it would go on this long... I don't know what I thought"- Caitlyn expressing clear regret over how things have gone down

Questions Ambessa over Rictus inciting violence

Questions Ambessa as to why peace is always the justification for violence

Has forbidden the use of cells like the one Vi was in

Considers Singed a monster for creating Shimmer

As I have stated in other documents moving forward from here especially we just take off at a dead spring regarding Caitlyn's story. From here on out we are dealing with her making things right with Vi and the fallout of that decision regarding Ambessa, and of her time as the Dictator over the two cities. I know I have done the pivotal moments of Caitlyn's story in the past, but given the pacing here it still seems the best way to dig into this, so that is how I will proceed.

Reunion with Vi & Beginning Of Redemption:

Vi and Caitlyn finally meet again, on the ridge outside of the commune. Caitlyn is scouting and jumps Vi, not realizing who she is due to her appearance. I have spoken on this quite a bit recently, and I even enjoyed a lovely conversation with some people who feel differently than I do. But that being said, this is how this all reads for me. Caitlyn has shut herself off completely to the chance of Vi still caring for her. All that we have seen of Caitlyn during her Dictatorship is that she has essentially given up. She won't risk pulling out of Zaun for fear of something worse happening, she bends to Ambessa with every explanation of why these wrong doings are necessary, you get the idea. So she certainly is closing herself off and distancing herself from the chance of the woman she loves still caring for her. Until she hears her nickname.

Now I have seen someone say that her eyes soften because it means the distance between them, like she is upset. I disagree. Caitlyn is extremely stiff until Vi calls her cupcake. And if Vi was holding her at arms length by using that nickname, she wouldn't trust her with the information about Vander. In truth, it takes the love of her life, a woman who refused to give up on those she cares for completely even in the darkest of times, to reignite hope in Caitlyn that there is a way out of that darkness. And so she makes the decision to help. Now what does that actually mean:

Turning on Ambessa

Losing support of the Noxian soldiers

Losing control of undercity which means Jinx

Starting A War

This takes us to our next moment showing the changes in her. Once the violence in the commune has already started.

Choosing Love: Part One

It's a quick moment. But right then and there the object of all of Caitlyn's hatred and rage is running by her, her back exposed to Caitlyn's rifle, and her eyes never leave Vi

Choosing Love: Part Two

So first of all not the right GIF i know, I couldn't find one of her in Caitlyn's bed for season 2. But the point, is that Caitlyn has been watching over Vi personally in her own room.

Taking Accountability:

Vi wakes from her injuries sustained saving her sisters life, and she and Caitlyn finally have a chance to talk. First and foremost she just looks so downtrodden. She knows how badly she has hurt the people she loves and is trying so hard to hold it together to make things right. But when she and Vi get into the crux of the conversation there are several important moments:

"I KNOW!"- Caitlyn admits to everything Vi is accusing her of

"We can't erase our mistakes, none of us"- Caitlyn including herself in those who have done wrong

Caitlyn then goes to speak with Jinx and gives us another big clue as to where her mind is:

"No amount of good deeds can undo our crimes"- Once again, placing herself on level ground with jinx

"Hating you.. I've hated myself.. I just don't have the energy for it any longer"- Admitting to hating herself for what she has done

Choosing Love: Part Three

Think back if you will, to the Battle of the Ventilation Chamber. Caitlyn Kiramman, wild eyes, ragged breath, completely enraged beyond reason, tried to take a shot at Jinx that could have easily killed a little girl, and then struck Vi and abandoned her. With everything they have through since that terrible day, Caitlyn has opened the way for the woman she loves, to free her mother's killer if she chooses. And when she finds Vi, she goes to comfort her, to validate her, to let her know that she is loved and that her undying heart is special and worthy of love as well. This is a truly beautiful scene that goes so far past a sex scene it's really hard to put into words how much meaning is conveyed in how it all plays out. There are a lot of excellent breakdowns and such if you wish to look, but for me I will say this. Caitlyn has shown Vi that her love for her is more important than hate could ever be. And in that moment, showed a strength Ambessa herself admitted she does not possess.

The Commander Reborn:

When she was a young girl, Caitlyn was asked a question. "Begs the question young Kiramman, what are you shooting for?" She knows now. Caitlyn stands on the front lines of the battle with her people. She is involved in a variety of incredible action sequences but the point, is that while she did lose herself, her values and her purpose to all of that rage and pain, she found her way back again.

Where once she allowed Ambessa Medarda to put her boot on the neck of the Undercity in the name of Caitlyn's grief, now Caitlyn stands on the front lines against her former mentor at only twenty-four years of age. And it is not without cost. She is stabbed, beaten, almost killed when Maddie's betrayal is revealed, and utilizing Ambessa's lesson sacrifices her own eye to stop her. And that is to say nothing of the mental trauma she has endured. But she is stronger, more resilient, and more sure of herself than she ever was. And, she is no longer alone.

With the occupation of Zaun ended, the council restored, and Caitlyn surrendering the Kiramman seat to none other than Sevika, she and Violet finally are allowed to just live, love, and heal with one another. It seems she has suspicions that Jinx survived the final battle (as we all do) but the show runners made the decision not to address that for now.

Caitlyn's story is truly one of dramatic change. She begins as a well intentioned but naïve enforcer, and ends as a respected commander who shed her own blood to keep the people she once failed safe. She and Vi have immeasurable healing before them, that is undeniable. But in such a dark and violent world, these two souls found one another and clawed their way back to each-other in the face of everything that was thrown at them. And it is through that bond that they will find their happiness.

My friends i went way... way... more in-depth on some of this than I thought. But I thought it was important... I think so much of the nonsense regarding this character is because she being labeled according to a single fast look instead of people seeing the truth of her incredible story. As always with these long ones, i feel like I probably wandered a little and if so I apologize. But I hope I managed to convey the depth of this character in at least some small way. To anyone patient enough to read this I thank you, to those who go even further and respond, I love learning more about this story from you all. Keep standing up for stories that matter.. Til next time!

[sapphicslaylist]

STP: Thorn Scarring & Disability

I'm going to gently tap the fandom with a stick: scars are not just a simple cosmetic detail which can be ignored/removed "stylistically" or given to make characters "cool." They impact a person's daily life, confidence, and way of interacting with the world, and need to be handled with consideration. Therefore, as a disabled person with background in accessibility, I think it's my turn to cover this one.

Going to specifically address this with Thorn, but it applies to others as well (not just because she's the most blatant example, but also as she's a character who the fandom likes to "heal" by removing all traces of her scars. Going to address what this implicates below).

Some important details:

She is deliberately depicted with heavy wounds of a variety of different depths. It can be assumed that they have been accumulated and left open for a significant amount of time.

We know the ones along her hands are the deepest because of Narrator's remark wherein "[she] picks up the blade, slicing through what little skin remains" of her hands and wrists. It is very likely these are not only permanent, but also have the possibility of muting or eliminating tactile sensation in her fingers either temporarily or permanently. She would therefore interact differently with the world if written outside the context of cannon

Further mobility issues may result from the wounds along her limbs. Because scar tissue is less flexible than normal skin, this would further constrict movement.

Some of the shallower ones may heal, yes. But deeper scars typically fade, but not vanish entirely.

This inherently makes Thorn disabled, and removing her scars IS disability erasure.

And it isn't just about physical disability, either. Witch & Thorn deal with removing stigmatization surrounding feminine beauty, and removing that detail does also impede the body positivity which she carries for survivors. Scar victims, especially people with deep scars are often considered "ugly." This especially applies to women, who are expected to cover them up or face value judgements regarding their appearance. The game does the opposite, by placing her hands at forefront within the kiss scene. The reason the kiss is so important is because people who are "non-traditionally" beautiful are still worthy of love - something which Thorn struggles to accept with throughout her route.

Overall, I think that people need to understand that they're not merely a literary symbol. But even within that context, the message of Thorn's route is that you can't eliminate your past/go back to who you were before, and that's okay. Because even if scars fade, they aren't something we can simply pretend didn't happen. They remain a part of us throughout the rest of our life, but we don't need to keep bleeding in the present.

Anyways! I hope this explains it. And if anyone does want advice on how to write these out, you're welcome to ask me!

[grumpchump]

Adding the full yap because a few people asked for it !

(no fast pass spoilers, I'm not caught up yet anyway!)

I feel like this theme applies to almost every character in the main cast.

First of all, we all know that one of Chase's biggest aspirations is to be a famous singer, even though nobody in his life really thinks he can do it. He seems perfectly aware of this. He knows that everyone thinks his dream is impossible, and maybe part of him thinks the same thing, but he just doesn't care. He's still extremely determined to realize his goals despite what everyone thinks of him.

Buddy especially doesn't think very highly of him (at first!)- throughout a good portion of the season, he constantly assumes Chase is going to give up the stories as soon as they get hard. But as Chase says in Sick Day, it's not his style to give up. He is so much more than what a lot of people expect him to turn out to be and he's so cool and I love him so bad

This applies to Buddy pretty obviously too. He's meant to be a cold and ruthless villain, and he certainly does try to be that. He's tough and more than a little mean at times, but we can see pretty consistently that he isn't as heartless as he might want people (Chase) to think. Even from the beginning when he's determined to antagonize Chase and get his key, he drops hints and helps him to finish the stories.

I always thought the scene in the Cinderfella arc where he tells Chase that he can eat the storybook food was really interesting. Like, he has no incentive to do that. He has no reason not to sit by and watch Chase suffer wanting to eat the desserts. But instead he does this small act that is, whether intentionally or not, actually kinda nice of him. It's just another small moment that shows that the villain persona people expect of him isn't really all that he is.

(This is a smaller thing, but I think with his exterior and how he acts in the books, we kind of expect him to be cunning and hard-working. I believe Punko said in a Q&A that in his free time he's actually an extremely lazy person, contrary to how we usually see him. I'm just mentioning that because I think it's funny and I love him a lot.)

Deacon is an extremely complex character with so many layers that I honestly am still grappling with, this guy's really cool.

A lot of his struggles are with the expectations placed on him. We know his whole life and career have been planned out for him by his parents. There's constantly a lot of pressure on him to work hard at this path that has been chosen for him, but in reality, he doesn't want any of it. My man just wants to read his shitty fantasy novels and chill with horses, give him a break !!

He's also constantly trying to defy his role as the helper key (specifically in Sick Day and The Book of Deacon). I think it's really interesting how he struggles to accept his role. Chase and Buddy don't actively try not to be the hero and the villain, they just naturally are more morally grey with it. Deacon, on the other hand, is almost a little desperate to go beyond being a helper and fall into another alignment, acting carelessly and causing trouble because of it. And the thing is, it makes perfect sense why he'd do it.

Books are very much a source of escapism for him. Actually getting to LIVE OUT the books is extremely exciting. Inside the books, he has a chance to escape his parents' expectations- being the helper, though, he just feels like he has a new set of expectations placed on him. Once he actually gets to be the hero in The Book of Deacon, he learns that this role is just as tough- again, he's trading one set of expectations for another. There's really no winning for this man lol. but im getting a little off topic here.

What Deacon needs is to reject the expectations his parents have placed on him and do what will make him truly happy. We can see how Buddy and Chase sort of naturally deviate from their expectations just through being themselves, but Deacon is still struggling in this process. Deacon is struggling to be himself in the way Buddy and Chase do.

There is still that level of acceptance he needs to have for his current situation though, specially in his helper role. He's still struggling to grasp all that being a helper means and how it's still just as important a role to take on as the hero or villain. He needs to find a way to balance his responsibilities and his happiness.

In Prunella's case, it's a bit harder to say- as of Friends and Family, we haven't gotten to spend as much time with her as the boys, so we're still learning more about her. I think the irony of this little girl getting to play the role of the big strong hero is sort of a subversion of expectations in itself lol.

We've also seen her upbringing. We've seen her mom. We've seen her house. It's a big awesome fairytale mess, and she doesn't really fit into it at all- being more into wilderness survival, she's not really what most people would assume her to be when they see her home life. Nothing wrong with that of course, just worth mentioning. We also learn in Friends and Family that she's very advanced for her age- she's extremely smart and probably a lot more understanding and level-headed about all the key business than I think a lot of other kids would be. I'd say she deviates from what a lot of people would expect of a child her age.

I'd love to hear if anyone has any other thoughts about her character !! I like her a lot and I'm excited to get to know more of her in the story :)

I wanna touch on the Keys last, specifically Silver. This part will be more speculation, so take it with a grain of salt.

In line with the theory about Silver possibly betraying Chase, this theme would apply perfectly. The way we've gotten to know Silver, she's extremely sweet and caring. She acts very selflessly for her family and friends and is eager to lend Chase a helping hand in saving his mom.

What we need to remember is that her first priority is to take care of her family. Helping Chase with his thing is definitely a means to reunite everyone (since he'll need all 12 keys to make his wish anyway), but it may not feel like she's doing enough. Helping her family and taking care of the Keys is her ultimate goal. If she's the heroine of her story, it makes perfect sense that she would take whatever actions necessary to do this.

The problem is, Cinderella Boy follows CHASE as the protagonist. We're rooting for Chase to evade Ex Libris, collect the keys, and save his mom. From this perspective, Silver betraying Chase, going behind his back, etc. would technically be an antagonistic action.

Am I saying that makes her a villainess? No, I really don't think so. But we've come to know Silver as a kind, supporting force for Chase. All I'm saying is, if she really were going behind Chase's back in some way (referring specifically to the letter she writes to Violet at the end of Friends and Family), it would absolutely subvert ours and Chase's expectations of her. It would line up with the theme of defying these expectations.

This theme is another of the many reasons why the Beach Boys arc is so important.

Circling back to Chase and Buddy, the core relationship at the center of the story- up until this point, Chase and Buddy have not cooperated with each other. Just a few episodes ago was the Toffee Break arc, where Buddy was an absolute menace and Chase straight got him thrown off a boat, lol.

But then Chase sees Buddy struggling to light a fire, and he does something unexpected. Even though he and Buddy have spent pretty much every moment together as rivals, he offers Buddy a tip on how to start the fire. He completely subverts what we've come to expect of their relationship. And then Buddy does something even more unexpected by returning the gesture and sharing his fish.

They're meant to be the hero and the villain- complete antagonists to one another. But in this moment they both choose to defy their expected roles and share a small, nice moment.

Later, Chase offers to help Buddy get out of the dangerous situation he's living in, and Buddy assumes he's lying. He doesn't expect Chase to be genuine about it. But like he says in Beach Boys (VI), Chase gets mad at him for doing the same thing, and he realizes he's been wrong about Chase maybe the whole time. Chase is not at all like Buddy expected him to be.

I think the point Chase makes in this episode about their roles as the hero and the villain is extremely important to the story as a whole. Buddy is meant to be the villain, so he's supposed to be a horrible person. Chase is meant to be the hero, so he's supposed to be patient and forgiving. But Chase says it himself- he doesn't care about that. He isn't the perfect protagonist we might expect him to be. He's an extremely kind and good person, yes, but he also has no trouble standing his ground and acting the way HE wants to, despite what everyone thinks of him. And Buddy, while harsh and standoffish, has plenty of moments that showcase how he's actually quite a caring person when he starts to let down his guard around someone.

Hell, even the entire concept of Cinderella Boy as a whole is kind of a subversion of expectations in itself!!!! A boy finds a magical artifact that lets him enter and play out any story he uses it on, but, ironically, he always has to be the princess?? it's amazing i love it

Cinderella Boy shows us consistently that nobody is stuck playing the role everyone expects them to. Nobody is bound to the perceptions that other people have of them, and everyone is free to defy these expectations and be the person they want to be. Chase says it best in Beach Boys (IV): "Nobody should have to accept being the villain if they're trying their best not to be."

To rap up my yap session, Cinderella Boy is a narrative about defying expectations and other people's perceptions of you and being a person of your choosing and everyone should go reread it one billion more times !!!!!!

shout-out to Cinderella Boy and its ongoing theme of defying the expectations everyone has for you and being more than your roots and upbringing, gotta be one of my favorite genders fr

[fieldofheathers-stuff]

A few thoughts on Arcane S2’s treatment of the political conflict between Zaun and Piltover (I'm not mad, I'm just dissappointed)

The hasty and rather superficial resolution (if we can even call it that) to the class conflict between Zaun and Piltover has been, in my opinion, one of the weakest points of S2. I don’t mind so much the way it ended (Zaun gaining representation in the Council, instead of full independence, seems like a pretty realistic ending to me, given what was established in S1), but I can’t help wishing the show runners dedicated more time to exploring this plot thread, and got us to the ending in a more organic way.

As usual, my recent rewatch of S1 has mellowed my perspective on this issue a little bit. Going back to S1 with the hindsight of S2 , it was quite clear that, with the way S1 ended, Zaun was going to get the short end of the stick in S2. Besides, Arcane’s story is mainly character-driven, and out of the four characters that were really carrying the “Zaun” side of the political plot in S1 (Silco, Vander, Ekko and Sevika), we had already lost two main players, so S2’s political conflict was inevitably going to shift more in favor of Piltover’s side simply due to the fact that it had more powerful players on its side. Zaun’s plight for independence was inevitably going to get the back seat.

Nonetheless, I still have issues with how the show-runners decided to handle it. While I understand why Ekko’s story was shifted towards a more individualistic journey (my boy is young, let him have some fun before he gets swamped by Piltover’s dirty politics), I still can’t help felling bitter about the inexcusable misuse of my girl Sevika; she was robbed of what could have been an amazing chance for character development, and the ability to carry on the political conflict established in P1. As a character that was shown very early in S1 to care deeply about Zaun’s independence, and having both the experience and political pull to do something about it, she really should have had a bigger role in S2. Again, I don’t think that there’s any particular in-story reason for disagreeing with the way the conflict between the two cities was resolved (as already established in S1 — and Silco himself agrees on this poin — Zaun isn’t in the position to demand much from Piltover, so its independence is still completely dependent on the Council’s mercy), but getting there should have been outlined in much more detail than just doing the “Piltover and Zaun fight together in this big Marvel-esque fight, and Zaun gets a seat at the council as an end-of-the-year bonus”, and Sevika was the perfect character to do it.

I disagree with the frequent complaint, however, that either Jinx or Vi should have carried on the political plot for Zaun. Neither of them has the mind for politics; having them involved in the political struggle would mean bending their characters well beyond what was established in S1, and I’m glad the show didn’t decide to go that way. Arcane’s politics are consistently shown to be extremely ruthless and unforgiving towards characters who are unprepared for them: Jayce’s whole arc in S1 serves to show exactly that. Silco really was the only Zaunite who could have, realistically, survived (and possibly thrived) in Piltover’s political arena. Sigh. I miss my wife.

(I wanted him and Mel to be besties so bad. Just imagine the levels of wit, cunt and immaculate drip they would have brought to the Council table. Please tell me there's fanfiction of this.)

[vlueberries]

I see that you put quite a lot of thought into Lady Shiva and I am wondering, is there any way for Cassandra Cain to still be her and David Cain's kid if we want to keep a more 70s/The Question like characterisation? Because from what I remember, Batgirl's retcon was pretty odd.

Hi gorgeous, thank you for the ask <3

I DON'T KNOWWWW!!!!! This is such a good question and it's difficult to answer. I never liked the idea of Shiva being Cass's mom, especially because of the way it was done in Batgirl 2000, but I feel like this event and their relationship are so ingrained in canon now that there isn't really a way to fix the problems I have with this origin story without heavy retcons that I would probably be dissatisfied with. It's so out of character for her to be a mom, but hypothetically...

If David Cain was never retconned to have killed Shiva's sister, if David Cain approached the situation in a different way, if Cass's conception was consensual, and if Shiva abandoned them immediately after giving birth anyway. That would be my ideal scenario to preserve her original characterization. Maybe if she got pregnant young and then realized rapidly that she needed to leave David Cain and then left after giving birth to go find her sister, to then find her sister dead, and then the original events from the Richard Dragon 70s comic happen...

I don't know, I think Shiva (especially when she was a young adult) could care about a man like Cain based on skill alone, though I'm not sure she could love him. I am of the personal opinion that Shiva is a character who can love (this is debatable for some reason). She loved Carolyn and O Sensei, I believe she loves Dragon and Ben in her way. She couldddd mayyybeee care about Cain and then become disillusioned with the idea of being with him by the time she gives birth, I think. Maybe she becomes disgusted when he tells her he's trying to create the worlds most deadly baby or whatever--I know she'd think that's stupid. I'm still just struggling to imagine her having a baby under any circumstances though, so I don't know.

I just know that Cass would have to be born--or at least conceived--BEFORE the death of Shiva's sister. Did any of this make sense??

[lsunstreakerl]

Famiglia-Familie

Chapter One Analysis:

First off- most of chapter one is kind of over a few concurrent days, so this is a bit shorter than my analysis for the other chapters is going to be.

- I imply in later chapters that Max sees more of the accident than what I actually write in chapter one, and that's true! There's a couple of reasons for that, one being that I just didn't want to write that, and the other being a super convenient excuse for reason one! the human brain, especially a young one (like, maybe, 14?) is going to block out a traumatic event, especially the finer details. Max's brain is literally rewriting what he's seeing in front of him and during the actual crash, in order to try and minimize the psychological damage.

- This ties into the way that Max struggles to even refer to the accident later on- he cuts himself off before he says "Jos", he won't call it "the accident" or even really think of it at all. Max divides his life solidly into a "before" chunk and an "after" chunk.

- "But issi/sunny, why was Force India even there?" Honestly, the way GP and Max meet in this fic is complete chance. There are so many spots where it could have gone otherwise, but it doesn't. I mention at the beginning of the fic that it's leading up to the race weekend, but it's still a wednesday, so there's a lot of the support staff driving around. A group of the Force India guys, including GP, were carpooling back to the hotel when they see the accident site, and they're genuinely just being good samaritans when they stop their car and start trying to help people.

- Max's arm is bothering him a bit while he's still stuck in the seatbelt, but the way that it has him restrained, (which he can't see) is actually doing him a bit of a favor at that point in the fic. It's cutting off blood flow, so Max isn't feeling how majorly fucked up his own bones are. (For curious minds: in this fic, Max has a spiral fracture down the body of his right distal ulna, comminuted fractures across his fingers in a few spots, and an impact fracture on the distal end of his right radius. There's some impact damage on the proximal ends as well, where the elbow joint forms, but it's not as severe as the fingers and wrist.)

- Because of the way Max landed, Hayden isn't able to see the way his arm is caught in the seatbelt until he asks Max to start moving, at which point he asks for the knife. Hayden does have a moment here where he's looking at the injury and wondering if it might be better to let EMS cut Max out, but he's worried they won't get there fast enough, and this is a kid, trapped in a metal van, when there's lightning out, and he makes the decision to cut Max out, and whatever those consequences are he's willing to live with them. (Triage is traumatic and stressful and for those of you who care about original side characters, yes, Hayden goes to therapy.) ((also because he saw a dead man))

- When Hayden cuts Max out of the seatbelt to pull him out, Max gets that blood flow back, which allows his arm to tell his brain "we have a problem!" Which is why he starts screaming. Rough night for him.

- Max is having such a genuinely awful night the entire time that that as soon as he's out of the car and someone (GP) is being kind to him, he decides he's going to cling, and he's not going to let go, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. GP is such a genuinely nice guy, and Max is tugging at all of his heartstrings, that he's like "sure I'll go to the hospital" because GP and the Force India crew could see Jos, and they know that Max is alone now.

- Max gets morphine in the ambulance. yippiee!

- Max is terrified in the hospital, because of everything that's been happening, and his arm, and all he has now is this unfamiliar stranger he'd decided to cling to, so he's like "fuck it, all in, I'm attached to this guy now" and then he doesn't want to even let GP consider leaving, which is why he makes life harder for the hospital staff by refusing to let go of GP.

- The Force India guys called Colin as soon as they pulled over, letting him know about the accident and that they were going to help. Colin keeps in touch with all of them throughout the night, finds out from one of the other guys that GP is with a random kid in the hospital, and acts accordingly. (Has people collect emergency supplies for a teenager and put it in GP's room)

- GP has a reputation in the garage for being soft hearted, so no one is at all surprised about how the situation actually ends up, because of course the guy who always breaks for squirrels and gets out of his car to carry a turtle across the road takes in a child in an emergency, that's just how Gianpiero is.

- When GP first calls Colin is the hospital, he's mostly just getting reassured that it's all okay, and to do whatever he needs to do for the kid. Colin tells him that if Max needs to come to the garage with him for the next few days, Force India can accommodate that.

- Max isn't really thinking about the "not talking" thing until he's confronted when the social worker, where he makes the conscious decision not to speak, both because "that makes everything real" and also because he's in an unfamiliar country, and he doesn't have a legal adult taking care of him, and he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and accidentally back himself into a corner.

- "He didn't get letters for very long" is one of the subtler more heartbreaking lines, because Victoria continues sending him letters for months, Jos just doesn't let Max know about them, so Max thinks Victoria stopped sending them, and Victoria thinks her older brother doesn't like her.

- GP goes through the legal hoops in the background of this fic. Colin has to vouch for his employment status a million times, he has to call the British Embassy in Germany to get the ball rolling on emergency foster certification and then standard foster certification, he has to get the emergency foster certification from Germany, and he has to juggle so many emails. Your average person would be completely overwhelmed, but GP is a race engineer, and being overwhelmed is kind of his job, so he handles it pretty well.

- Max goes into emergency surgery to handle some of the worst parts of his arms and fingers, but the hospital is still super clear with GP that Max needs to have some follow ups. (Max ends up with some serious hardware in his hand. He still has struggles with fine motor skills, and he's got killer osteoarthritis in his fingers, wrist, and forearm, but the brace helps with it.

- "issi/sunny, any hospital that lets a pediatric patient leave that soon after a surgery of that magnitude without a thorough welfare check should be ashamed of themselves!" IM NOT HERE TO BE REALISTIC IF I WANTED THAT I WOULD GO TO WORK.

- Max not looking in the mirror goes hand in hand with him not speaking, or acknowledging the accident. He knows he's injured, he knows as soon as he sees himself in the mirror with his injuries that he can't fool himself anymore, so he's not looking at all.

- GP has no idea what to do with a teenager, which is why he's kind of awkward at first. It's important to note that GP, again, has zero clue who Max is. GP thinks he's taking care of a kid who had a normal home life before a traumatic accident. GP does not think he's taking care of a kid who was already traumatized even before the accident, and he's not able to pick up on some of those warning signs until he and Max are living together.

- "Why doesn't Max go straight to Michael?" Max is 14, and has been told his entire life that nothing is more important than racing, and so of course this would be true for a world champion as well, and Max is so petrified of being a burden that he doesn't want Michael to know at all, because he knows Michael will drop everything to take care of him. (He's been raised to think that kind of behavior is soft and he doesn't need it.) He especially doesn't want to tell Michael right before a race as well. Max is also still trying to pretend it's not real, so the less familiar faces he's around the better.

- Max gets really into the data partially as a coping mechanism, because if he's looking at the data and trying to learn then he's not thinking about the accident. This is also why listening to GP read it out loud is soothing to him. GP has a nice voice, and Max can listen to him rattling off numbers and variables for hours. This is also the beginning of a little routine for the two of them when one of them is having a hard time, where they sit and they go over data together. (nerds)

- The Force India engineers are so excited to have someone genuinely interested in what they're doing that they fall in love with Max immediately.

- The Force India garage also knows why GP has Max- they know that Max is from the accident, and they know he's very grim and quiet, so they actually do kind of make a game out of trying to make him laugh, or at least smile.

- Yes, that is the actual qualifying and race results for Force India in the 2011 German GP.

- I don't actually know if Paul di Resta is a good guy or not, and I didn't want to look it up. ignorance is bliss and all that.

- Max taught himself to be ambidextrous because he thought it would be a cool party trick, and instead it's totally saved his ass now that he literally can't move his right hand.

- "issi/sunny, did you actually look at places for rent in Buckingham for this fic?" guys, I ended up on one of the Buckingham city council's 117 page documents detailing next years public transportation plans from like 2013. do not underestimate the depths I will go.

- Max trying to figure out what he would even want in his room is a bit heartbreaking, and GP doesn't understand why Max struggles with it so bad. (Again, GP is assuming Max lived in a house somewhere, when Max's house was the van, and the van is gone.)

- GP gets attached to Max almost immediately. Here is this quiet kid, from a horrific accident, and he's so scared, and for some reason he's putting his trust in GP, so GP isn't going to betray that. And then GP finds out that his quiet kid is so smart, and that he likes looking at the data, so of course GP is like "give him all the data he wants" and the garage loves him because he's quiet and well mannered and genuinely interested.

- Word gets around the paddock pretty quick about the accident in general, because it made local news, and then it also spreads that one of the race engineers from Force India is actually taking care of a kid from the accident site, so Max has always got people looking out for him when he's around the paddock. (Max doesn't realize this in the fic) he's quite literally a grid kid, in the realest sense.

- GP spends the entire time he's driving from his old flat to the new house freaking out about the whole thing. He's very careful and responsible to not ever show that in front of Max, but trust that there are multiple points in this fic where he is internally flipping his shit.

Feel free to ask questions/request clarification on things! If you actually read to the end of this 🫶

[flyingwargle]

kageyama feels his consciousness rise from the depths of sleep, cradled in warmth and comfort. he opens his eyes to the shadows dancing across the ceiling, bedroom curtained in a muted silence. rolling to his side, he is greeted by a fragment of the sun, swathed in blankets, drool dried in the corner of his mouth, lips slightly parted with every breath.

hinata's fingers are splayed across the mattress, and kageyama has half a mind to place his hand on top. instead, he settles for watching, admires how his tousled bright hair is spread across the pillow, sleeves of his pajama shirt rolled unevenly, a tiny peek of skin shows from one of the buttons being undone in sleep.

it started in second year, when the snow was too heavy for hinata to bike through, and kageyama told him to stay the night. during the other seasons, he'd struggle to find reasons for hinata to stay over, but winter provided plenty of opportunities, especially in their third year, when the snow has been heavier than before, and hinata has extra clothes tucked into the bottom shelf of kageyama's dresser.

it was last winter when hinata moved from the futon to the bed. kageyama would never forget.

lost in his thoughts, he doesn't notice when hinata had woken, blinking blearily at him. "what are you looking at?"

kageyama blinks back to the moment, turning away with a grunt. "nothing." he buries himself deeper in his blankets at hinata's hum. "think we have practice this morning?"

they usually do on saturdays, but snow often meant otherwise. kageyama hears hinata shuffle around, unlocking his phone. "coach texted. he said to stay home."

"is the snow bad?"

a few more clicks. "5 cm expected today. it'll be snowing all day."

"oh." he stares at the ceiling. "you can stay the weekend, if you want. you said your mom's car isn't good for snow..."

shuffling. "kageyama."

he turns, nearly jumps at the glint in hinata's eyes. "if you want a sleepover, you can just say so."

a scowl crawls onto his face. "i'm just being considerate. your house is far, and the roads aren't that great. i wouldn't want your mom to get hurt or...something."

"something," hinata echoes. he's still for a moment, places his phone back on the nightstand, and sits up, stretching his arms over his head. "let's make breakfast!"

a chill hangs over the empty house. kageyama suppresses his shivers as he switches the lights on, turns the heat higher. hinata rifles through the kitchen cupboards, familiar with the placement of his pots and pans, knives and cutting boards, bowls and utensils. kageyama falls into step with him, fills in any holes, turns the stove on as hinata finishes the pancake batter.

there's something about this that feels so...domestic. hinata flips the pancakes, and kageyama sets the table with plates, bottle of syrup that he bought specifically for hinata, butter for himself. he carries the plate between them, and they sit, tackling the stack one pancake at a time. their conversation is quiet, from observations they've made about their underclassmen, gossip from their year, news from their friends in tokyo.

after breakfast, they bundle into their jackets to shovel the sidewalk. kageyama grabs a pair from the garage, passing one to hinata, who takes it with a gloved hand, lower half of his face hidden by his scarf. he digs his shovel into the pristine snow, scoops it and starts a pile against the fence.

snow continues to fall during their shoveling. the neighborhood is quiet, with the occasional car going by, others also shoveling snow from their driveways and sidewalks. kageyama spent long winters during junior high doing it alone; when hinata learned about it, he insisted on helping every time he came over, no matter if it was for an evening or overnight.

by this point, they’ve divided the work equally. kageyama takes the driveway, and hinata takes the sidewalk and walkway to the front door. their voices bounce between the empty yard, and soon, a pile of snow is left against the fence.

kageyama lets out a breath, leaning on his shovel to admire their handiwork. behind him. hinata is crouched in front of the snow. “hey, kageyama.”

“mm?”

“turn around.”

he’s had three years of experience for this moment. “all right.” in the same moment that he pivots, he throws his shovel full of snow at hinata, whose pitiful snowball is lost in the spray. snow catches in his hair, melts off his rosy cheeks, sticks to his scarf. kageyama grins, and hinata doesn’t hesitate to gather an armful of snow to throw back at him.

their taunts and laughter dance through the frozen air. kageyama loses his shovel, resorts to half-formed snowballs to lob at him, and hinata continues his relentless assault until he slips and falls onto the snow in a fit of giggles. “ah, i can’t believe this is our last time doing this!”

his words hang in the frozen air. kageyama steps closer to him, watches him stretch his arms over his head, placed delicately on top of the snow. his breaths billow, lips curled into a smile, eyes closed. “what do you mean?” kageyama asks.

“this- just…just playing in the snow. being together. we’re graduating, and then we’re going in completely different directions. we won’t have winters together like this, anymore.” a hint of melancholy deepens his voice, causes his smile to waver. “it doesn’t snow in brazil. it’s too hot.”

“i know that, dumbass.” kageyama closes his gloved hands into fists, turns away from him. “there’s…no point in thinking about that now when we still have time. winter’s barely started. who’s to say that we won’t do this again when we’re older?”

“here i was thinking that you’d say you’d be too old for snowball fights.”

“maybe, but…there’s more than that.” he lays down on the snow beside him, stares at the clouded sky and snow that dapples across his face. “we can just…sit under the blankets and watch volleyball. or make pancakes. or shovel the driveway. even if we can’t do it next year, there’ll be many more years, right?”

a pause. he glances at hinata, notices how his friend’s head has turned in the opposite direction. “right. you’re right.”

they lay like that, surrounded by snow, blanketed in the neighborhood’s silence. kageyama reaches toward his side until he brushes against a gloved hand. hinata flinches away instinctively, but after a moment, reaches for him, so their fingers are intertwined. their frozen breaths disappear in the air, simultaneous with one another.

even if they don’t have next year, they’ll have many more years to come. kageyama is sure of it.

[thechthonicherbalist]

My humble Altar

Before I put it away for the winter holidays and local solstice celebrations, here's my little pop-up altar, complete with offerings. Sharing in response to my friend @jehan-the-necromancer who has been curious for a while now and the lovely @chthoniclakewitch who asked about it.🥰 (I thought I might as well put the pics in a post, I hope you two don't mind being tagged. 🙈)

Mostly I'm working with Apollo and Aphrodite, Gods of Love, Sexuality, Queerness, Healing, Muse, Poetry, Inspiration and Beauty! The reason is mostly my own queer gender identity and sexuality, as well as a life-long love for art, music and writing.

But also my experiences with CSA, depression and hurt are relevant in regards to many of these topics, as well as the struggles that come as a result. Apollo and Aphrodite give me security, capacity to practice self-love and consider the love others have for me, when anxiety threatens to lie to my heart and make me doubt it. They are also who I turn to for comfort and where I seek refuge when these things get hurt or when it's difficult to navigate them. And they are the ones I pray to, when I want to extend my love to others or when I hope to see people I carry in my heart protected, healing and cared for. Especially in situations where I directly help a person with these things... Aphrodite helps me learn how to think, act, speak and connect with deep love and care for the human essence. Apollo helps me learn how to see the light and beauty of things and how to tap into my healing potential through creative expression. Both these things are life long journeys.

I also pray to Ares and Hecate. Ares because I am a very sensitive person who experiences others and their own emotions very deeply and easily gets very deeply impacted by them. It can be like I absorb the emotions of others and then have to work through them and understand them in all detail myself, even if they don't even fathom that or don't have to do that themselves. So I often carry lots of fear, sadness and hurt in my heart, or need to untangle the anger of others or sometimes also myself, because it mostly servers as a protective response. Simultaneously I have a profound inability to take in and hold the emotion of anger very well, due to complex childhood trauma where people with unresolved anger issues would lash out in life- and safety-threatening ways due to their lack of self-control and and cause both physical and emotional damage. Therefore it was equally life-threatening in this environment to express anger or any other emotion or to protect myself by removing myself from situations that overwhelmed me. To this day, there is nothing more terrifying to me than a person who cannot control their anger, who cannot communicate an issue, fear or a hurt in other ways than by lashing out. It still feels life-threatening, it gives me mortal anxiety and I can't process and react to that in real time. I will always shut down and struggle to comprehend even my own thoughts and memories in this moment. I am reduced to pure fear and survival instincts at this point. And it took me many years to learn from Ares that I am allowed to protect myself, guard my peace and well-being by taking breaks when this become too much, especially when I'm under intentional attack.

Ares reminds me that it is okay to feel and express my own anger, but also that I do not want to follow examples of toxic, unhealed anger expression, by reminding me of the warrior's honor. He reminds me that unfiltered emotion equals war and destruction. And in collaboration with Aphrodite and Apollo, that such things have no place in healthy, loving connections. That there is always a hurt or a fear underneath such strong and violent emotions, that seek to be protected. And that it is important to step back, to process my anger, yes, but to write it down, over and over until I am calm and understand the essence of what I want to express, without hurting the ones I love. And that others are equally responsible to do moderate their own emotions and that I don't have to expose myself if they have not been responsible enough to put in the work and effort it takes to learn how. Ares is also who teaches me to enforce boundaries. That I am worthy of divine and earthly protection and justice. That it is okay to fight injustice and mistreatment, instead of quietly tolerating it. That my well-being, my rights and my existence are worth fighting for. That my life and I am worth fighting for. Worth defending. That if nobody stands up for me, it is okay if I do that. That peace is fought for, negotiated over, not merely tolerated. He and Apollo are who I pray to, for strength and endurance in my battle against depression, chronic illness and now cancer. He is the first god I ever prayed to, who I ever recognized as a god, when I was a child.

And Hecate is... Hecate. The mother, the maiden and the crone. The witch goddess. Protector of the crossroads. Those who know her, know her. Those who do not... fear her. I pray to her for protection, for guidance. And to help me heal the witch-wound. The wound all people carry who have been othered or unjustly accused and punished out of fear for their knowledge and powers, rather than being honoured, heard and understood. She is also known as the goddess of Boundaries, the Underworld, Plants and Herbalism as well as the Moon. I'd like to say that my connection with her is much more... obscure and yet personal than with any of the other gods. I refer to her as mother, when I pray.

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

just wondering, do you know about the cross-collar rule in asian attire? (if not nbd, just thought you might have some interesting thoughts on it in regards to the first ninja)

YES!!! I do actually!!! ;DD Tho admittedly I only discovered it a few years ago and while I 100% incorporated it into my First Ninja headcanons, I didn't have a chance to share it, I guess, haha. ;D

For those curious about the cross-collar rule: Japanese kimono is traditionally worn left side wrapped over right, unless the wearer is deceased.

Tho in RC9GN character sheets designs - ALL kimono wearing characters with the right side wrapped over left.

While I have no idea if this was an animation error due to negligence of research, or a deliberate choice with or without that clothing rule in mind (considering they travel to past and technically all people they saw are dead in the future lol), but you sure as hell can believe me that my mind run absolutely feral with that tidbit.

In some of my posts I mentioned my hcs about how First Ninja is incredibly loyal to his Clan and the siblings he lost, about how much survival guilt he must have suffered, and how much effort and energy he puts into making sure that the Ninja - the culmination of all their efforts - must survive and live on, all in order to keep the Sorcerer contained and their newfound home (and the world) safe and secure. To the point that he would immerse himself completely into his role of the protector and erase any other identity that he had left - an incredibly utterly noble and stupidly horrifying gesture of self-sacrifice for the continuous survival of his clan even at the price of his civilian life.

I trust you can see where the cross-collar rule comes into play with this. ;)

Because in First Ninja's mind - he is a dead man walking. Whatever was left of his semi-normal life with his siblings had been slipping away from him with every loss, until there was nothing left but the duty his clan had taken on. Whatever he was before that, whatever he could have been - has been dead for a long time. And contrary to harsh wording I use, I do not really see First regard it as a great loss - it is still a loss, but here comes a rule of 'the sacrifice of one for the good of many' (something this Clan will surely understand) - if anything it would seem like a logical progression for all the events of his life.

There is a reason I built my headcanons around First Ninja as the youngest of the Clan: if your whole life revolved around an important duty, it would not seem like the great sacrifice for you to devote your entire life to it to that kind of point considering all the circumstances. I mean from an outside perspective it is pretty horrible, but when you literally grew up in the situation? Its a different matter.

But the rule also can be interpreted in a more (?) uplifting manner because, if you took notice - his Ninja suit is also wrapped right over left, and in this case I chose to interpret it as not sign of death but rather continuity, an immortality of sorts if you will - because even if what was left of that young Norisu lord is dead - the Ninja will live on through inheritance, and no matter how much time will pass, how many inheritors will come and go - Ninja itself will survive. And isnt that an immortality in itself?

Admittedly while I have a great deal of thoughts about this, I'm not good at sharing my headcanons (even now I reread what I wrote and wonder if its even coherent haha...), and so far I only managed to allude to the cross-collar rule in one of my MIS posts:

Where First Ninja is still a mortal but who wears his clothes like a dead man, and Chase Young is an immortal who would not even think of dying, lol.

But trust me, while Im struggling to express all of that - every time I draw First, that rule and all the angsty implications of it are constantly on my mind. ;)